Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
