Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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