The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
