I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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