I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
