i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
