Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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