3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
And then he peed in my hair
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
