I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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