if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
