Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
