What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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