And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Randomize
