allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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