i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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