i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
