Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
