peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
