....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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