My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
