Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
