Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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