I think I just saw someone hide a body.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
