we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
