People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
