The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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