Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
