look no pants
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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