She is in my trunk
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
