omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
