A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
