Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
