My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
