i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
