I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
