woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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