I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
smell my finger.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
