I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This baby is an asshole
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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