you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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