I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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