just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
