Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
