theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
