She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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