There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
