Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
