If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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