I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
