um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
