I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
